Today is biopsy day – Don’t judge me.

I woke up this morning not at all sure how to feel about this.  Of course everyone who knows (and I haven’t told many people) is telling me to “stay positive” and that it’s “most likely nothing.”  And that’s likely to be true.

I don’t have a history of breast cancer in my family, but I do have a history, according to my mother, of “lumpy bumpy breasts.”  And while that thought should be comforting, I can’t help but remember being 14-15 years old (after thinking I was dying – and for which my parents told me to just sit down and catch my breath), telling my mom that I think I might have asthma.  She said, “You don’t have asthma… it’s hereditary and nobody in our family has it.”

A few things;  1.  Asthma is not entirely hereditary, 2. My response to that was, “well, if it is hereditary, it has to start somewhere!” and 3.  Guess who has asthma… THIS GIRL!

So, right now, I’m not exactly comforted by the fact that there isn’t a history of breast cancer in my family.

Here’s the other, and most concerning, non–comforting thought:  If you knew me, you’d know that, in my life, if it can go wrong… it will go wrong.  But even that thought is neither here nor there at the moment.

This morning I found myself to be torn on whether or not I actually want it to be “The Big C” (and of course I’m not ready to say the C-word out loud, or in print for that matter).   I know you’re thinking, “how in the hell can you possibly want to have IT?”

Well, part of me says if it is the “C” word, then it’s VERY early stage and totally survivable.  And if it is (even if it’s REALLY early), I’m 100% resolute in the fact that a radical mastectomy is the route for me.  No lumpectomies for this girl.  Why would I put myself through this hell every six months for the rest of my life?  Mammo, ultrasound, biopsy, WAIT THREE DAYS FOR PATHOLOGY!  No thank you.

I’m just not one of those women who would feel like less of a woman without my breasts.  Don’t get me wrong… I’m ALL about reconstruction.  Firmer and perkier I say!

But if it’s not you-know-what, then am I going to have to live with lumpy bumpy breasts, probably on a 6 month mammogram recall, wondering and waiting for the rest of my life?  Thinking, every 6 months, is this the time that I go in for my mammo, ultrasound, biopsy and it’s NOT nothing?

For now, I guess I’m just waiting to SEE if it’s THE BIG C.

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